Â Â Â Â Do you like roller coasters? Boy I sure do. I love the thrill and silly terror of climbing that tall hill at the beginning, knowing there is NO WAY you are getting off until the whole thing is over and the ride is finished. I love that long drawn out pause at the top of the tallest peak where you hang suspended in mid-air until suddenly…with a rush….you are off on a wild ride: up and down and twisting and turning.
Now I have never been a brave enough person to want to throw my arms up in the air and hold my hands up over my head, screaming with delirium through the whole thing. You see, I love the roller coaster ride, but have a hard time trusting that my car and seat will not have something faulty with it. I know, I know–it is a less than 1% chance that I would be on the roller coaster with problems, and probably even less than that that I would be the person something happened to.
Â Â But it has been my experience, that my life does not often fall into the same grouping as the masses, and that I am more often in that 1% than I will ever get comfortable with! So some areas of life I am totally willing to take those risks in and throw my arms up, and others—I think I value my life more than trusting to someone else’s ability to take care of it.
The only reason I am telling you this is because last night I was trying to explain to one of my best friends how I feel about this whole process with the adoption and reaching out to our birth mom and all the myriad of feelings I have been going through. We have had some changes, big ones, in the last week, and yet I feel this surreal peace in the midst of all of it.
Â Â I am not saying I am not totally thrilled with what is happening, or that I am having second thoughts, because that can just be tossed out the window as silly. It is that I am feeling that I am just a participant on the wildest ride of my life, and that it is totally out of my control–which is where it should be because I would just mess it up anyway. :0)
It is a strange feeling to be just completely over your head, swept along in a Divine plan for your life, taking the twists and turns and tunnels at breakneck speed.
And the question I keep asking myself is—do I trust the Lord? Here is where the rubber meets the road. I either do it in every circumstance, or I dont. This is one wild crazy ride, possibly the greatest adventure I have been on so far. And how thrilling it is!!!
SO I am going to throw my arms up, my hands in the air and just trust that the God who is making this happen has my best interests in mind. There will be no crash, no hanging in mid-air, no harnesses that come undone (He has me in the palm of His hand and nothing can remove me from there). I wont go into a black tunnel that He wont be there shining His light. And best of all, eventually this ride will end, and He will be right there too.
I hope you too can find something like this in your life–it may have taken a total upheaval of our family to bring me to this point, but I am thinking that even in the little things in life I love the taste of this so much that I am going to try to do this all the time, not just now. To walk daily leaving it all up to him and not trying to hold onto it myself and orchestrate it to work perfectly. Â
“Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverence. Perserverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, tossed and blown by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord, he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.” (James 1:2-8)
” And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of our God. Not only this, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverence; perserverence, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us.” (Romans 5:2-5)