Four years ago I decided it was time to stop facing a screen all the time and spend more time with my girls. They were growing up so fast, and even with the success of a thriving blog and so much that was wonderful on THAT side of the screen, my heart was whispering that change had happened and it was time for me to focus on other things.
Little did I know that in less than a year life was literally going to upend, and I would spend months laying in a bed or on a couch WISHING to be able to connect back with that community.
Thank you for being here during that time. Thank you for sticking with me and getting excited when these posts show up in your email, or on our FB page. Thank you for your kind words and messages, and sharing with me how much you are looking forward to hearing more.
Its been a long…and lonely…part of my story. The road has been rocky, and painful, and there are days I wish I could close my eyes and go back to how things were before.
But that’s not possible.
Instead my girls are doing fifth grade Math, and “stretching exercises” to make them grow taller than me (shhh…dont tell them it will be SOON). They are looking more and more grown up these days while their big sister heads off to college and all that entails. I miss the simple, fun days of missing teeth, and learning times tables. I miss the sweet chubby little hands grabbing mine to lead me to the garden and show me the new and exciting things they have discovered.
I’ve fought so many battles with anger and bitterness, my friend. Taken out my sword and slayed that giant, only to have it rise up and taunt me from a different direction over and over. Some days I lose….other days I win. But I cant shake the sadness of feeling like Rumplestiltskin who woke up and the world had fundamentally changed around me. People were different. Times were different.
For those of you asking what so impacted my life, I don’t mind sharing. I believe God gives us all a voice and a path, and what he walks with us through, He helps us share for others walking through that same scary valley.
Three years ago in October, I literally collapsed and could not breathe. Overnight I had gone from just feeling miserable and rashy, to hugely swollen, exhausted, and unable to function. My resting heart rate was over 100, and my blood pressure was through the roof.
Why hello, MCAD. I never knew you existed. But I would find out.
I almost lost my life that October. Doctors had no idea what was wrong with me. I would lose 30 pounds in body muscle and gain 60 in fluid. My hair fell out and changed to shock white. My skin went from white to beet red, and in some places cracked because of the swelling. I was never, ever, able to be comfortable. The vibrations of car rides made me flare so badly I had to have the car stop every 15 minutes so I could throw up on the side of the road. Clothing got turned inside out. I always…ALWAYS had a fever. My heart, kidney, liver, pancreas, and vagus nerve were in total overload.
What had started 18 months before presenting as a skin rash that doctors thought was simply eczema or possible psoriasis turned out to be a life-altering, world shattering illness that meant I never would take another breath, eat another food, hug a friend or my children, rest anywhere other than my home, without knowing what my body would react to. Nothing was safe, including my own tears. At first I wished to die…until I almost did.
That following January I almost lost my life to the biggest giant I had faced yet with this disorder. That one was because a doctor refused to read my chart and instead just injected me with epiphenedrine. If he had taken the very short time to crack my chart he would have discovered I had developed a life threatening allergic reaction to that and …eventually….almost 60 other medications.
Then I almost lost it again in February. This time because I tried to eat a food that had previously been safe for me during this insane time of looking for nutrition my body could handle. The end result was I survived but my husband began juicing three foods for me as many times as my body could handle it a day (which could be one or up to four depending on the day). Apples. Carrots. Celery. The same husband who had lost his job three days before my initial collapse and decided to simply stay home and take care of me.
Eight. Weeks. Of. Only Being. Able. To. Consume. Juice.