I gotta tell you guys, this year has been the hardest year I could ever have wrapped my mind around.
It has NOTHING to do with physical challenges, and everything to do with issues of the heart.
In just under one month my oldest daughter will graduate from highschool.
This is the child I never thought we would have live to 18.
The child who was my comfort baby when I lost my oldest son.
This was the child who only had me as a playmate for 10 very long years, and who I would have given my right arm to change so many things she had to go through.
She is the child I have prayed over, agonized over, cried over, and asked angels to protect her everywhere she went. Since she was little my prayer has been that she would one day grow up and love Jesus so much that she would change the world for Him with her story and who He created her to be.
I think this has blindsided me this year because she hasn’t really HAD a vision of where she wanted to go or what she wanted to do in life. She has flirted with the idea of a year off of school, with our support, because we believe college is not something you enter lightly but you choose to go when you know why you are racking up all that debt.
And then….last week…she says….
“Mom, I know what I want to do. I think I know where I want to go. I am going to call them later this week and ask a bunch of questions, is that okay?”
Be still, my heart. Trust God.
I mean, what if she decided to head out of country and marries some man from Argentina, and I never get to see her again? What if she gets a scary roomie who walks around buck naked and makes her sick all the time? What if all the careful pouring into her of grounding and rooting in the word of God comes to naught when she gets called out for her faith in public and shamed, and decides to please man rather than God?
No kidding, you all. I cried and prayed.
Prayed and cried.
And then today…she comes to me and says, face lit up like a Christmas Lightbulb: “MOM!!! They have my program! I can get a working certificate in ASL and do anything anywhere with it…the problem is…its a residency program. That means I would need to live there…..what do you think??/”
And in that moment, I realized…..I have to let go. I have to choose what is best for HER….and not what I think is best for her. I have to let go…and let her fly.
I know it sounds sappy and sentimental.
But oh friend, it hurts. And it feels so so real. I have spent the last 19 years catching her when she fell, holding her hand when she hurts, loving her through the tough times, and bucking her up through the weak ones. There is so so much I feel I wish I had taught her. SO MUCH I feel as if time should be open ended and I should pour into her some more.
But my chapter with her is closing in that regard….and I just need to let her step into who she was meant to be.
Pray for me.
Pray for her.
I know it is all gonna be okay.
Blessings to you and yours,